Experts Say Vast Deserts, Absence Of Life, May Indicate Mars Was Once Run By Conservatives

The Out And Abouter

In a recent revelation, published in the respectably obscure scientific journal Knock Knock Who’s There Science Science Who Too Late, a team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately caused Mars to become a barren dustbowl of shattered galactic dreams: entirely avoidable environmental disaster coupled with unresponsive conservative governance.

Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Philemin, explains.

“While the fossil record on the red planet appears to have been mostly destroyed by the last Martian governments, who went to some lengths to attempt to hide the scale of their stupidity from eternity, we still managed to turn up compelling evidence that these guys knew this shit was coming. But they chose not to act because: dividends. Those weekend houses on Phobos don’t pay for themselves, it would seem.” 

Dr. Philemin goes on to say that one of the most striking discoveries the team made…

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